Humor

[Elizabeth A Wilson <Elizabeth.A.Wilson@JPL.NASA.GOV>]

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---------------------------- Forwarded with Changes ---------------------------
From: Belinda M Wilkinson at jpl-398po
Date: 12/8/95 8:08AM
To: Elizabeth A Wilson at jpl-sec316
*To: William L West at Gateway
*To: Sheila G Davis
*To: gsturges@po8.mv.unisys.com at Internet
Subject: Friday's Light News
---------------------------------- Forwarded ----------------------------------
From: Erich A Corduan at Gateway
Date: 12/8/95 6:57AM
*To: Christine A Corrigan at Gateway
*To: Dan@amhsgwy.jpl.nasa.gov at Internet
*To: Henry W Dillard at Gateway
*To: John J Russo at Gateway
*To: Kathryn J Little at Gateway
*To: Elizabeth A Ower at Gateway
*To: mverga@amhsgwy.jpl.nasa.gov at Internet
*To: sfettes@amhsgwy.jpl.nasa.gov at Internet
*To: Richard D Thielen at Gateway
*To: Daniel E Wenrick at Gateway
*To: Dana.J.Freeborn@jpl.nasa.gov at Internet
*To: curt_carr@isd.jpl.nasa.gov at Internet
cc: Belinda M Wilkinson at JPL-398PO
*cc: Robert Vansteenburg at Gateway
*cc: Bcorduan6@aol.com at Internet
*cc: rbautist@explorer.csc.com at Internet
*cc: hill@ISI.EDU at Internet
*cc: wncorduan@tayloru.edu at Internet
Subject: Friday's Light News
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I abbreviated the list for those of you with limited resources, but find the
"librarian" entry below.

Betsy Wilson



MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to Step 1 as a subordinate
exercise.  Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1.  Go to Africa.
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
    alternately east and west.
4.  During each traverse pass,
    a. Catch each animal seen.
    b. compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    c. Stop when a match is detected.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or
minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people
who do.
Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray, and sell them as "desktop elephants."

LIBRARIANS do an on-line search, of course (k=elephant).  Depending
on the jungle, they may have to undertake a retrospective conversion
project on all animals first.  They have to look through their LC schedules
to find the proper classification (Mammals get classified under
M, reptiles under R, etc.  An elephant would probably get an MP call
number [P for pachyderm]).  Then all the elephants would have to be
tagged (100:00:Jumbo,|d1945-  ) and given bar codes.  The patron could
then search for the desired elephant.  If not found, the librarian would
then put a tracer on it, or, if the patron is really desperate, they could put
out a request on IJL (Inter-jungle loan).  The patron would get the
elephant for 6 months, and after a 9 day grace period would accrue a
fine of 10 bags of peanuts a day.  If the elephant is still unreturned the
patron's account would be reported to Marlin Perkins who would
threaten to revoke the patron's insurance policy until said elephant was
returned.  This generally isn't a problem, since an elephant never forgets.
 The experienced animal librarian knows not to check out elephants to
patrons wearing lots of ivory.  Nevertheless, elephants in many jungles
are being declared missing and in time may be withdrawn altogether.


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