HUMOR: Martha Stewart's holiday calendar

[Cheryl Nielsen <cnielsen@ELGIN.POLARISTEL.NET>]

This was e-mailed to a fellow staff member - I do not know the source.

Martha Stewart's holiday calendar

Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray-paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails.  Flog gardener.
Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives so
that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6  Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration
Dec. 7 Debug Windows 95
Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy
Dec. 12 Update enemies list.  Place in hermetically sealed vault.  Remove
air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13 Visit crematorium.  Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry
cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case
tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank
Dec. 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas
Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in
last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourii.
Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous.  Order cards for next
Christmas.  Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new
friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and
relatives.
Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan. 1, 1998 Catch up on gardening.  Sew leaves back onto trees.  Plan all
cooking for 1998
Jan 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts
into heat pump.
Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan 13 Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and
hand-write staff their dismissal notes
Jan. 15 MLK birthday.  Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16 Take dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.
Jan.20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews
Jan 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan 25 Receive delivery of new phone books.  Old ones make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people
you do not know.
Jan. 26 Review the Christmas '97 show and try to understand why Julia Child
is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31 Gild lilies.

****************************************************************************
**Cheryl Nielsen                           "Every child should be a whys guy!"
Valley Comm. School
23493 Canoe Rd.
Elgin, IA  52141
cnielsen@elgin.polaristel.net

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