HUMOR: Computers a la Hollywood

[Alice Yucht <AliceInfo@AOL.COM>]

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES

   1. Word processors never display a cursor.
   2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
   3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
   4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
   5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
   6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly
powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain English.
   7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information
you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
   8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
   9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
  10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go
faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the
sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
  11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive
devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that
causes you to jump backwards.
  12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the
data.
  13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in
the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
  14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE"
 function. (See "Demolition Man".)
  15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2
minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can
run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
  16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear
to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
  17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control
panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
  18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it
also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
  19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you insert it.
  20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
  21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and
all software is usable on any platforms.
  22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have.(See
"Aliens".)
  23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because
the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
  24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
  25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and
performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
  26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)
  27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no
matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise
searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are
returned.)

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