Martha Stewart

[Laura Mason <lmason@NSHELBY.K12.MO.US>]

Martha is busy over the holidays.  I've received three different pieces on
her activities.  Thought I'd share since several have asked for the original
request:

Martha Stewart's holiday calendar

Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray-paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails.  Flog gardener.
Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives so
that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6  Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration
Dec. 7 Debug Windows 95
Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy
Dec. 12 Update enemies list.  Place in hermetically sealed vault.  Remove
air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13 Visit crematorium.  Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry
cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case
tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank
Dec. 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas
Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in
last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourii.
Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous.  Order cards for next
Christmas.  Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new
friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and
relatives.
Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan. 1, 1998 Catch up on gardening.  Sew leaves back onto trees.  Plan all
cooking for 1998
Jan 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts
into heat pump.
Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan 13 Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and
hand-write staff their dismissal notes
Jan. 15 MLK birthday.  Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16 Take dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.
Jan.20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews
Jan 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan 25 Receive delivery of new phone books.  Old ones make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people
you do not know.
Jan. 26 Review the Christmas '97 show and try to understand why Julia Child
is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim
notes.
Jan. 31 Gild lilies.
_____

Martha Stewart's Chrismas letter to Erma Bombeck:

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell
you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and
made  a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun.  I hand painted it in  gold
leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.  Then to
make the sled complete, I made a white
horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.
>
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20
breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course
breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to
make the tables and chairs this morning,
so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch
of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled  gold stars
on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique
candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of  pink) to use
for breakfast.  These were made from
Hungarian clay, which you can  get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing
for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue
dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay
too long,
I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking
engagement
at noon. It's a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I
soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries  which  I grew,
picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the
coffee and jelly stains.  I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school,
packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old
Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was
trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old
disposable
razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen
cranberries
mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie
snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles
puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love,

Erma
_____
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
>
> 10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine
with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and
precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
>
> 9.   You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
>
> 8.   On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the
half-open graham
cracker garage door.
>
> 7.  You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose
petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.
>
> 6.  The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave
the bathroom.
>
> 5.  You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.
>
> 4.  No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.
>
> 3.  Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
>
> 2.  You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
>
> AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by
Martha Stewart...
>
> 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Laura Mason, Librarian/Grant Coordinator
Shelby County C-1 Schools
Rt. 2, Box 142
Shelbyville, Mo.  63469
lmason@nshelby.k12.mo.us
573-633-2410
FAX - 573-633-2138

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Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 08:05:22 -0800
From: "Karen A. Petty" <kpetty@ESD114.WEDNET.EDU>
Subject: Christmas cheer

Here's some Christmas cheer for all to enjoy:

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails.  Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '95

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart.  Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holidaly scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 10
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a
festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
See clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.

December 25
Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve!  Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


'Twas the Night Before Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas Eve
An evening quite cool.
Not a teacher was stirring
Throughout the old school.

The light had been turned off
All Books put away.
Everything was ready
For the next busy day.

Mrs. Tailor had straightened
All the books on her shelf.
If only she'd stayed late
She would have seen for herself,

That just after midnight
A bright light from the sky
Came down towards the old school
In the blink o f an eye.

Upon further inspection
It would have been clear,
It was jolly old Santa
and his trusty reindeer.

He got into the school,
I don't know just how,
But Santa could do that,
Please listen carefully now.

Because what I'm about to tell you
You may not believe.
But this really happened
On a cold December eve.

Santa walked  throught the halls
And although poorly lit,
He happened tofind
A place in the library to sit.

He reached for a book,
I don't know which one.
Santa began to read it
And when he was done,

He put it back on the shelf,
Got up on his feet,
Walked towards his sleigh,
And got into his seat.

Santa called to his reindeer
Up in the sky they did float,
And left on the groun
He wrote me this note.

It's a real simple message
The words on it are few.
Now at this time
I'd like to share it with you.
It said, "If you want to receive a gift
That you give to yourself,
Go to the librlary
And pull a book from the shelf."


by Al Rubeck
from Holiday & Seasonal Celebrations,
Issue 7, Teaching & Learning Co, c1996, Carthage, IL 62321



Karen A. Petty
District Library Technician
North Kitsap School District #400
Poulsbo, WA 98370
kpetty@orca.esd114.wednet.edu

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