Humor: In case you ever wondered. . .

[Alice Yucht <AliceInfo@AOL.COM>]

Forwarded from another professional (but not intentionally educational)
listserv- -

Alice H. Yucht
Heritage Middle School
Livingston, NJ

REMEMBER:  I do NOT make these up, I just pass them on!!

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The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
[He was laid to rest, breaded, in a bed of lettuce.]

There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
[Population: 78% female.]

In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are
teenagers.
[81% are brother and sister.]

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
[But you could only change them once a month.]

If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his
territory.
[It's a male thing.]

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.
[Once he started speaking, they couldn't understand him.]

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
[And more screen writers than people.]

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on
it.
[The other two thirds are men who don't bother.]

In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
[In 1996 he was eaten by several of them.]

You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.
[Therefore, never break wind at a bee.]

How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
[How can you tell when he's horny?]

In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
[And she's been stoned ever since.]

In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.
[Giving new meaning to putting your loved ones on ice.]

1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
[9 months later, 486 babies were delivered in Boulder.]

In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
A foot long tooth?]

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.
[It always fell, buttered-side down.]

In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.
[It was later found the toad was really a ventriloquist.]

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
[He called them, Mooooving Ads.]

About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
[He's pretty easy to pick out in a lineup.]

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
JokeMaster Funnies readers far exceed the average.]

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.
[Mosquitoes find them a-peeling.]

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
[If properly goosed.]

The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
[By a VERY lonely farmer.]

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
[The same year guys began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000
B.C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]

Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear, or you'll get pucked.]

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]

98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]

When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his
teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]

In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.
[It's known as the Sanka clause.]

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn't surf the Internet.]

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably why banks have service charges.]

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell 'Dummy'.]

What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn't ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]

The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
[Union regulations require each one be listed in the credits.]

Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you don't inhale.]

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
[Even after death.]

When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Carrot sales increased 46%.]

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in
their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]

Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]

You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]

In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
[And most likely to grab himself.]

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]

The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]

Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you're sick, Mother knows best.]

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we know what the F represents.]

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today!]

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his
head.
[Brain freeze; promotes creativity.]

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of Americans are bachelors.]

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,
Indiana.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
[This law was dedicated to Fred.]

Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Some Like It Hot'.
[Madonna's cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth don't freeze in winter.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in
1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western
Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird that's been dropped?]

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]

Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish don't wear lipstick.]

Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver toe-tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
[A dream come true.]

Mosquitoes have teeth.
[But can't peel bananas.]

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy... you will dismiss class early...]

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and
Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.]

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]

Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
[They give sour milk when listening to political speeches.]

Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
[And keeps them in his jacket pockets.]

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients
would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of
excrement."
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbough's nickname.]

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
[This explains the term: Lone Ranger].

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