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I thought this would reach an appreciative audience. Enjoy.
LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to
new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college
enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature
abusers is currently at
record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in
awkward positions or
carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky
reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral
deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and
creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves
its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional
instability.
HEREDITY
Here are some suggestions for determining whether a person will become an
abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused
literature, often
beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an
abuser become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or
heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play
games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in
the evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should
seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek
physical activity, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter
without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to
read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise
avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I had
finished the novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.
If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a
serious problem.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to
those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
children are taking the wrong path-don't expect your teenager to approach
you and say, 'I can't stop the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may
already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you
won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her
through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that
she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just
finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found this book in
your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask the hard question--Who is
this Count Vronsky?'
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Praise her
brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her
stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math
class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or
more of the following applies:
* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for
yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of
the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in
your telephone directory.
(I got this from a friend.)
Cathy Subbiondo, Library Media Specialist
Harbor Hill Elementary School
Roslyn, New York
work:(516)625-6394
home: cathy5555@aol.com
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