HUMOR: don't "should" on yourself

[Alice Yucht <aliceinfo@EXCITE.COM>]

Friends:
As we start back to work from our summer respites, and contemplate all the
"shoulds" we tend to inflict on ourselves, please keep these facetious
instructions in mind (forwarded from another listserv -- and no, I don't
know the original author, so please do NOT credit me with this wisdom!)
Enjoy,
Alice

=======================================
Marha Stewart doesn't work in MY database!

1.    Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.  Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2.    Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.  Rename
the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands"  and claim an ecological
exemption.

3.    Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun.  Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.

4.    Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.  If your partner points out
that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What?   And spoil the mood?"

5.    In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui
aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.  Roll your eyes when
you say this.

6.    Explain the mounds of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play
animals for underprivileged children.

7.    If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door.  As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see
the den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8.    If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes ..."

9.    Don't bother repainting.  Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you
say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ...  I
haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10.    Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle.  Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations.  Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the
couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get it finished."





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