Humor: Xmas with Goldie (a true story)

["Garry Jantzen (Marshfield)" <GarryJ@COOS-BAY.K12.OR.US>]

After sharing the Xmas with a cat posting with a cat-loving English teacher,
she responded with this gem:

Directions for Goldie owners who are thinking of trees, wrapping, and gifts
under the tree.

My image of a tree with Goldie in the house:

1.  Go to the tree lot and select nice noble fir with lots of fine, sturdy
branches.
2.  Bring into house, tripping over three dogs as they make a beeline for
the door way, and as Goldie hurls himself at your chest as you clutch the
tree, you fall back, hit porch railing and fall over, just like in the
westerns.  The tree lands on top of you.  If you are very lucky, all that is
broken is your dignity.
3.  Go inside, crate Goldie, then go back outside and bring in tree.
4.  Release Goldie.
5.  Put tree in sun room and go to basement to get tree stand to put it in.
6.  Return to sun room.  Find branch fragments scattered around the room,
and Goldie covered in fresh pitch, and chewing with enthusiasm on base of
tree.
7.  Crate Goldie.
8.  Saw off now ragged trunk edge, place into tree holder, and fill
container with water.
9.  Release Goldie.
10.  Go to basement to bet box of ornaments to decorate tree.
11.  Return to sun room.  Find tree tipped over, all water spilled, and
Shannon and Goldie playing tug of war with opposite branches while Shadow
watches disdainfully from couch.
12.  Crate Goldie.
13.  Set what is left of tree upright once again. Water, again.
14.  Release Goldie.
15.  Put first ornaments on tree.
16.  Go answer phone.
17.  Return to sun room.  Find tree tipped over, water spilled, and
ornaments broken around room.
18.  Assume it was an accident.
19.  Set tree upright once again.  Water again.
20.  Go get a valium.
21.  Return to sunroom.  Set tree upright once again.  Water once again.
22.  Get string of lights and garlands from box since the remaining
ornaments are now missing or in remnants on the floor.
23.  Crate Goldie.
24.  Decorate tree with lights and Garlands.  Mourn broken ornaments with
sentimental value.  Take another valium with a hot buttered rum.
25.  Release Goldie.
26.  Go to basement for broom and dustpan to clean up broken glass and torn
fragments of now tattered tree.
27.  Return to sun room.  Find tree tipped over once again, only now it is
being dragged through the house as Godly has found one end of the light
cord.
28.  Look at trail he has left behind.
29.  Computer is on floor.  Tigger is on top of china cabinet.  Tree is in
hallway, looking as if it is being wrestled about by alligator.
30.  Call for Goldie.
31.  See Goldie emerge from scene with happy grin, one end of cord still in
his mouth.
32.  Tell Goldie to come.
33.  Goldie won't drop cord.  He runs; he likes the game.  You run; you do
not like the game.  The pursuit is on.
34.  When both of you drop in exhaustion, re-examine tree.  See what can be
salvaged.
35. Decide a cut branch will suffice for tree.  Decorate with dog biscuits.

36.  Keep more biscuits available for remaining branches to replace those
that get eaten.
37.  Enjoy Christmas.





from

Garry Jantzen, Librarian N7SBG
Marshfield High School
http://www.marshfield.coos-bay.k12.or.us/library/

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