LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE
>ABUSERS
>How many of these apply to you?
>1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
>2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
>3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
>4. I sometimes read without a donut in one hand.
>5. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
>6. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without
>being seen.
>7. I do crossword puzzles in pen when there isn't a pencil handy.
>8. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
>novels.
>9. I have spent hours trying to program TiVO only to record Oprah when
>it's her book club.
>10. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
>speak.
>11. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book
>nearby.
>12. I eat biscotti at Borders, even though it tastes terrible, so I can
>disguise my reading habit.
>13. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
>14. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions, which I would
>otherwise avoid.
>15. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
>finished a novel.
>16. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
>17. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
>18. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
>19. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
>20. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
>21. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
>22. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
>23. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
>24. Amazon knows my credit card number.
>If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you my be a
>literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicate a
>serious problem.
> Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has
>risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and
>increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The
>Number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
> SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
> Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
>relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to
>the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad
>posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
>In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small
>towns.
> Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one
>cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors,
>teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction
>Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of
>nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
> HEREDITY
> Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity
>plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an
>abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused
>literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into
>adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
> OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
> Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy
>fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games,
>participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
> PREVENTION
> Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption
>agencies in order to break the chain of abuse.
> English teachers in particular should seek partners active in
>other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity
>and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
> DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
> Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest
>circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes
>away to study literature in our colleges.
> Parents should look for signs that their children are taking
>the wrong path-don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I
>can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and
>find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
> What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
> 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her
>know you won't abandon her - but that you aren't spending a hundred
>grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks,
>either. Remember that she may not be able to make a decision without
>help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of
>arsenic poisoning.
>2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
>in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question -
>Who is this Count Vronsky?
>3. Show her another way. Move the television set into hernroom.
>Introduce her to frat boys.
>4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
>signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor
>in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
>You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the
>following applies:
>* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
>* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
>* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner,
>or any scene from the Lake District.
>Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself
>or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
>Literature Abuse Society, or
> look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
Mary Ludwick, Librarian K-5 Elementary
Owen Elementary, The Colony, Texas (near Dallas)
ludwickm@lisd.net (school address)
ludwick@swbell.net (home address)
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