[LM_NET] retrying HIT: off topic - sending a child to college (part 3 of 3)

[Diane Lungaro <dianelu@YAHOO.COM>]

Make sure she gets an ATM card and credit card. There are student deals
with banks. Also, I'm
assuming she has or will have a cell phone. Make sure it works from the
college (don't rely on the
company to tell you that it works there -- you really should check it
yourself, if that's possible). We
got a family plan based on how well my son's cell phone worked at
school (and, fortunately, it
worked from our apartment and other places we travel to as well).

In terms of the bedroom stuff, my son swore by that "egg crate"
mattress cover. It greatly
improved the comfort of the bed.
You didn't say how far she was going.  Most college kids come home
once a month.  If she forgot something, you can always mail it to
her, wait until she gets home to go shopping, or she can buy it.
Does she need a laptop?  Let her do as much prep as possible.
Together when necessary but don't do things for her.  Cell phone?
Food and snacks?   Have you gone to parent/student orientation at the
university?  Made plans for transportation and visits home?  Send her
flowers that first week - she will love it.

Make sure she knows how to do her own laundry!

have sent two children to college, one is now 25 and the other 21, so
I have a little experience.  It sounds like you're off to a good start,
but I'll share some things I have found helpful.
First, your daughter should be doing the packing, not you.  She is
going to have to be responsible for what she has and where it is, so she
should be taking the responsibility to gather and pack it.
Second, make sure that checking account you're opening has a debit card
and that it is a joint account with you.  The easiest way I've found to
get money to my kids is to deposit it in a joint account that they can
then withdraw from an ATM at any hour.  You many even want to request a
second debit card on the account for yourself so you can easily deposit
money at an ATM for her as well.  Most campuses now have ATMs available
in the student union building or somewhere easily accessible to
students.  Make sure she knows she has to be faithful about keeping and
balancing the check register - that was a struggle for my daughter at first
(and she's a very intelligent, straight-A student).
Third, I recommend a joint charge account with your daughter as well as
a separate charge account in her name only.  The joint account can be
used for emergencies or large expenses (with your approval before each
purchase and the understanding about who will be responsible for the
bill).  There are also student charge cards with very low credit limits
(usually $500) that can help kids learn to manage credit without getting
in over their heads as they start their own credit history.  In our
case, my daughter uses our joint credit card for car repairs, gas for
trips home, and items from the grocery store, which I have agreed to pay
for.  She uses her own credit card for things like concert tickets and
clothes and has learned how much she doesn't like getting that bill at
the end of the month.  She pays it all off every month and has used it
very responsibly.
Fourth, on the day you move her in, I highly recommend staying long
enough to get her bed made for her and possibly do an emergency run to the
local WalMart for whatever you find she may need and forgot to pack.
In our case this included extra shelves, a hanging shoe storage rack, an
under-bed storage box, a couple of stick-up lights for the dark closet,
computer paper, and a clip-on fan for her on the stuffy top bunk.
These and other odds and ends are never obvious until you actually get
there.  You should also plan on making a list and putting together a care
package to ship as soon as you get home.  The room will be in total
chaos, and knowing she can just fall into an already made bed when she
can't take it any more will help both you and her when you do have to
leave.  The first night is the hardest because she'll be very tired and a
bit scared, but just hug her and leave her to figure it out.  Most of
them do live through it!    =)  I tried to stay long enough to hel!
p her put
some clothes in the closet and dresser, just to get rid of some of the
boxes and start to make it seem like "home".
Fifth, if she knows who her roommate is, it would be very helpful for
them to communicate ahead of time to see if there are things they can
share so they don't both bring them.  My daughter had two roommates her
first year and all three of them showed up with a TV, VCR, DVD player,
computer, and printer.  We ended up bringing  her TV, VCR and printer
back home with us - they all hooked their computers up to one printer and
used the largest TV.  Plan on bringing back home some of the stuff she
thinks she HAS to have, because it just won't all fit!
Good luck - and I hope for your sake she's on the ground floor or her
dorm has an elevator.  Neither was the case for us - she's been on the
fourth floor twice and the third floor once.  Next year she's finally on
the ground floor.  (And I'm getting way too old for this moving
business - this is when I wish I'd had my kids at a younger age!)  Many
colleges have a crew of kids who will help freshmen move in - that is
incredibly helpful.
I hope you both have a very positive experience.

don't know what the bathroom situation is these days, but when I went
to college we had a large hallway bathroom. I had a small bucket to
carry to the bathroom to hold shampoo, conditioner, etc. I also had a
dry erase board on the door for messages. How about lots of disks to
back up files and office supplies like stapler, etc. Of course, these
things are probably on the list!

A HIT on this subject would be appreciated.  My son will be a senior in
high school in the fall and I will be going through this next summer.
I am NOT looking forward to it as he's chosen a school 10 hours away
from home :-(

This is a hard transition for parents!
For bank accounts, consider banks with on-line checking statements,
etc. You might also discuss whether you will have access to her
account. by being on our son's account, it made it really easy for me
to just transfer money into his account, rather than sending checks
(which I knew he would put off depositing!).
Make sure your cell phone plan, if you have one, has plenty of
minutes to cover calls to friends at other colleges, etc. If you have
one in which calls within the family are free, or anyone within the
same cell company, that's a help. Or, plenty of phone cards--maybe
one that is rechargeable.
Depending on where she is going and how far away, she might want to
save some of her clothing budget until she gets to school and sees
what is fashionable there.
Maybe get an agreement on regular phone calls home or emails for
communication?!
Plan extra time getting her to school to allow for checking out the
college together, if you haven't already done so. Freshmen
orientations are helpful. Check out extra-curricular activities she
might be interested in.
Be prepared to send forgotten items!

If she is your only child, plan some things to do to keep yourself
busy and have less time to miss her! (I have an "only" and even
though his college is only 30-45 minutes away, I wasn't quite
prepared for the grief involved!).

My suggestion is not to worry, she'll only be a cell phone call or
email away, and unless she's going to some remote area, everything she'll
need will be available on or around campus.


While I am not an experienced parent at sending a child off to college
yet, and certainly would not want to tell another parent what to do - I
think that it is also important to sit down with your daughter and
really
discuss safety issues with her.  I think often times parents forget
this
and last fall there was a lot of discussion of this in the media.
Obviously not walking alone at night, keeping your room/apartment
locked
even when you're in it (everything bad doesn't happen at night) but
also
the dangers related to sexual encounters and the use of  alcohol (and
the
two together).  Most teens really don't think alcohol is dangerous but
it
is scary the amount of alcohol poisonings that occur and sexually
transmitted diseases are still out there.
Most colleges have cards you can put money on & use for everything from
copies to laundry.
The hardest part is after they leave and become homesick, wanting to be
picked up and taken home. Let her know that you are there but you won't
come and take her home. As I was driving my daughter back after her
first weekend home (Columbus Day weekend) she cried all the way that she
didn't want to go back. It broke my heart but I knew if I took her back
home she wouldn't 'go to college' and might resent it the rest of her
life.
Well, she did college in 3 years in interdisciplinary bio-chem and is
now in PHD chemistry program. Just keep a stiff upper lip!!!

My daughters have graduated now, but I have been there twice - I know
what
you are going through! Sounds like you are doing fine. Is your daughter
going to be in a dorm or apartment? Both my daughters talked to their
roommates ahead of time so they didn't duplicate items they could share
-
phones, mini-refrigerator, etc. Although both lived in dorms, the
situations
were very different. My older daughter's dorm was more of an apartment
setting where they had a kitchen; my younger daughter's dorm was more
traditional and did have have restrictions on certain items such as
coffee
pots. Storage bins/boxes/baskets were very useful items because of the
limited space. Shower totes are also very handy when using communal
bathrooms. Rolls of quarters can be appreciated when students are not
close
enough to bring their laundry home on a regular basis!

Is your daughter going to school close to where you live? My younger
daughter went to school in Evanston, IL - I live in Wisconsin. She
already
had a checking account at our local bank, but eventually opened an
account
down there because the ATM charges were so high, it cost her a fortune
to
get cash. Your daughter will perhaps use on-line banking, so balancing
a
checkbook is no longer as important as it was. I manage my account
on-line
now, but for a long time my daughter rolled her eyes whenever I wrote
out a
check in a store instead of using my check card :)

My daughter is a year away, but spent a month at
school this summer -  sort of pretend college because
she is living in a dorm, eating at the cafeteria, and
dealing with her own expenses (laundry money, eating
out, etc.)  She packed and forgot lots of stuff - my
rule was that I would bring or send stuff that I
didn't have to buy (like pillows and her contacts),
but otherwise - she was on her own (for coffee
creamer, toothpaste, milk and cereal for breakfast).
Next year, when it's for real, I plan to have her do
the preparations, make sure she has sufficient money
(IMO) in her checking account - help her work out a
budget - make sure her cell phone account is paid up -
get a credit card with a very low limit - and pray for
the best!

The hardest thing is letting go. I would say my most important piece of
advice is don't do these things for her. Go to the store and ask "what
do you think you will need" rather than saying "here it all is." Also,
truly, don't buy too much till she actually gets there. Many kids show
up with too much stuff and it's overwhelming. Go shopping once you are
there instead. Get her wardrobe taken care of because it's often hard
to go clothes shopping while at college (while it's easy to buy laundry
soap etc). Remember you can always ship stuff to her if she needs it
(like clothes) but it's a pain to get there with too much stuff and
have to bring some home. Handy items to purchase are: a small tool set,
a small carrier for bath items, hangars, alarm clock, desk light. Have
her pick out her bedding and towels and bite your tongue if you don't
like it.

Have her communicate with her roommate to decide who is bringing the
big shared stuff (phone, fridge, stereo, etc). Even if she asks for
advice, try to guide her to decide for herself rather than telling her
what to do - she'll be better prepared to make those decisions herself
once she gets there.

There is a fabulous book titled "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to the
College Years." I found it tremendously helpful - it deals with the
emotional issues surrounding sending a child to college.

Mostly, relax and have fun together during the summer! I've sent two
off to college (one graduated two weeks ago) and it's emotional but so
rewarding. What an exciting time!

My first reaction is that you are working too hard; you should be doing
LESS.  I may have misunderstood, but I got the impression from your
post
that you are doing everything for your daughter, instead of helping her
do
it herself.  My apologies if I misunderstood.  She may forget something
here
or there, but that's how we learn.  I'm speaking as a former college
student
who was very sheltered until I went away to college, and had to learn
FAST -- and as a mom who just sent her sixteen year-old halfway around
the
world on an exchange trip.  Working from a checklist provided by the
teacher, he packed his own stuff.  Could I have done a better job?
Probably.  Did he learn from the experience?  Definitely.

Best wishes for a successful first year in college!

Allow her access to one of your credit cards or set up an account for
her.
Things will come up and she will need a little "cushion" you had not
thought
about.  Make sure she has a cell phone so you and she can stay in
touch.
Whereas she will have the campus infirmary if she has small problems,
ask
your local trusted physicians and dentists for recommendations of
doctors
and dentists in the college town so she can get the help she needs.
College
infirmaries are not prepared to handle complex issues.  When I was in
college, I had an infected wisdom tooth, and they gave me aspirin.
Luckily,
my home was less than 1.5 hours away, so I called my mother and asked
her to
make a dentist appointment with our family dentist and I got the
antibiotics
I needed to take care of the infection.

I'm certain that as organized as you are, you will do a great job of
getting
your daughter off to college.

Before college starts, why don't you set up an account in the bank for
her
at home and let her practice under your guidance.  If she goes off to
college without ever having managed a bank account, this may present
problems.

I remember when my daughter was a freshman, she said one of the hardest
times each day was going to bed.  There was no one to hug and kiss her
good night.  So the next visit to see her at college, I left a small
note under her pillow that she could read each night before going to
sleep.



Diane Lungaro, librarian
dianelu@yahoo.com
Sussex Middle School
Sussex-Wantage Regional Schools District
Sussex, NJ 07461



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