HUMOR: 1996 Communications Act, satirical (long)

[Jan Helene Moore <janmoore@TENET.EDU>]

The following is written by Polly Whitney, mystery author and staunch
defender of freedom of speech and keyboard.  Take it in the spirit in
which it is written and flame her, not me, if you take offense.
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        Jan Moore                               Foster Elementary
        Library Media Specialist                1025 High Point
        janmoore@tenet.edu                      Arlington, TX 76015
        FAX (817)468-8292                       (817)465-4702
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     To: DOROTHYL@KENTVM.KENT.EDU            Order #927677
   From: CEAE49A
Subject: CALLING CANADA, AUSTRALIA, ANYONE?
   Date: 02/13/96 08:37 PM

Since the passage of the 1996 Communications Act, I have decided to
renounce my U.S. citizenship, and I was wondering if anyone out there
would be willing to adopt me as a citizen of their country.  There is no
danger that I will actually go and live in your country; I'll stay right
here but just get myself a green card.  It's a free country, isn't it?
I would like to borrow, for my purpose, the most famous abdication
speech of all time, and say that I am relinquishing my claims to the
United States for the cuss words I love.
If you can adopt me, please email me off-digest -- unless your message
is indecent, in which case you can either phone me or send your note
through the U.S. Postal Service, which has not yet taken on the job
of censorship, possibly because children are unable to open envelopes.
I'll also have to resign as Queen Mum, since an anarchist has no
business being mixed up with royalty.
In the meantime, I have prepared a little list of activities designed
for those with limited imaginations, less judgment, and no confidence
in the powers or rights of others to make decisions concerning their
own reading matter or their own intellectual pursuits.  I don't know
how Congress proposes to enforce this fargin law, but I'm hoping to
get one last post past the censors.
If you don't receive this message, assume I'm in jail.
_____________________________________________________________
WHAT TO DO WITH BOOKS AND MOVIES AND CYBERSPACE SPOTS YOU PERSONALLY
FIND OFFENSIVE AND DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO SEE, BUT YOU CAN'T THINK
OF A WAY TO FORCE YOUR CHOICES ON OTHERS AND YOU'RE TOO CHICKEN
ACTUALLY TO CONDUCT A BONFIRE BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BURNING BOOKS
IS A REALLY NAZI THING TO DO AND YOU CAN'T VERY WELL BURN CYBERSPACE,
BUT, HELL, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, DON'T YOU?  IF YOU DON'T,
OTHERS WILL SEE A BUNCH OF FILTH AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.

 1. "The Indian in the Cupboard."  This flagrant example of
   homosexuals coming out of the closet comes in a box that
   is the perfect size for storing shotgun shells.  Just throw
   away the movie and keep the box.  AMMO, in this country, is
   legal.  (To paraphrase Jack Nicholson, "It's perfectly fine
   to shoot off a breast in an American film.  You just can't
   kiss one.")
 2. "Huck Finn." Another notorious example of open homosexuality,
   this book also holds a place in the American Canon of No-Nos
   by virtue of its candid endorsement of miscegenation.  One need
   only quote the black slave's line to the white boy -- "Come back
   to the raft, Huck, honey!" -- to see . . . Now, wait just a
   minute!  That's also pederasty.  Yuck.  This book you can shred
   and use as kitty litter.
 3. "DorothyL."  Recently this once august forum has become a
   veritable swamp of licentiousness.  The practice of Onanism is
   referred to in every other post.  The only solution is to shut
   down Kent State.
 4. "The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language."
   I found the proper spelling of both miscegenation and pederasty
   in this book.  It must immediately be removed from all schools,
   and children can learn to spell perfectly innocent words from
   the daily newspaper, which usually includes such terms as "bomb,"
   "famine," "drunk," and "murder."  Surely a daily newspaper can
   supply all the spellings any healthy child will ever need.
 5. "The Canterbury Tales."  Man.  I can't believe this one.  In
   "The Miller's Tale," the Middle English word "quente" is actually
   used.  Holy Cow!  But, don't despair.  We can safely leave this
   text alone, since very soon children will be too stupid to be
   capable of translation, or, perhaps, even of dressing themselves.
 6. "The Love Poems of John Keats."  This slim volume certainly looks
   innocent enough until you read the poem actually quoted on the back
   cover.  Get this: "Pillowed upon my fair love's ripening breast."
   Pillowed!  What the hell is THAT supposed to imply?  The size of
   this book makes it ideal for wedging shut those stubborn
   electric-powered windows in so many of today's top-of-the-line
   automatic-everything cars.  Or, you could just tear out the pages,
   being careful to avoid damaging the edges.  The book is printed on
   unusually high-quality paper, which makes dandy cocktail napkins.
 7. Murder Mysteries of any type.  No explanation necessary.  Bad
   influence.  Great insulating material.  Try 'em in your attic.
   Next winter, you'll be glad you did.
 8. Come to think of it, "Detecting Women: A Reader's Guide and
   Checklist."  DETECTING WOMEN?  Horrors!  What if boys get their
   hands on this book?
   Fortunately, this offending manual is roughly the size of the
   Columbia, Missouri phonebook and is suitable for placing on
   dining room chairs so that small children may reach the table.
 9. The Louvre Website.  Here we must go back to the source, for it
   will do little good to delete the museum from cyberspace while
   the original museum stands open to the public.  I would suggest
   removing all the paintings of nudes, as well as all the nude
   statues, and turning the building into a palace for French Royalty.
   Never mind that there is no French Royalty.  Let 'em find someone
   to put on the throne.  This plan will have the added advantage of
   putting the tumbril makers back to work.
   Yes, I know that the Louvre is not subject to U.S. laws.  So?
   That's not stopping Congress from tampering with international
   intellectual property in cyberspace.  If France won't cooperate,
   answer this question:  Who's got the biggest nuclear arsenal in
   the world, huh?
10. The Supreme Court.  They are truly the biggest purveyors of and
   proponents of obscenity if they do not knock down The 1996
   Communications Act.  Put all nine of them in ducking chairs in
   Salem, Massachusetts, and give 'em a dip in the frozen ponds.
   If any one of them survives, think he or she will still want to
   sit on the Court?  The next president will be in a position to
   appoint men and women of courage who will do their jobs and
   uphold the principle of Free Speech.  That's, of course, assuming
   there will be a next president.  With the 1996 Communications Act,
   we may already have ceded our claim to democratic living.
__________________________________________________________
"Since therefore the knowledge and survey of vice is in this world
so necessary to the constituting of human virtue, and the scanning
of error to the confirmation of truth, how can we more safely, and
with less danger, scout into the regions of sin and falsity than by
reading all manner of tractates and hearing all manner of reason?
And THIS is the benefit which may be had of books promiscuously read."
                     John Milton
                     AREOPAGITICA
(The emphasis is mine.)
__________________________________________________________
Submitted by Polly Whitney, for your perusal, hoping you're
considering whether you really want to swap the "mind" of Congress
for your own.

AND, THE SECOND ONE:


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PRODIGY(R) Service Electronic Mail                02/16/96
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     To: DOROTHYL@KENTVM.KENT.EDU            Order #1071492
   From: CEAE49A
Subject: THE PRUDE, A PERSONAL HISTORY
   Date: 02/15/96 12:09 PM

Comrades:  So far, I've received offers from citizens of six
different countries, very kind offers to adopt me.  I'm extremely
grateful to them.
New topic:  I sass Anthony Dauer so frequently that I'm
afraid he'll begin to think I don't like him.  Anthony
and I don't even know each other.
I'd like to quote a snippet of his post from yesterday's digest
concerning the 1996 Communications Act.  He wrote, in part,
"There are alot [sic] of people (not inferring [sic]
Polly) that [sic] have not read the bill as signed (there are quite
a few versions that did not make it to the finally [sic] draft),
do not know who voted for it, and yet speak with a voice of authority
on how/why the sky is falling."
Anthony, through the miracle of cyberspace, I was fortunate enough
to read the exact wording of the new law.  Coverage in cyberspace
was better even than CNN's broadcast coverage.
Concerning who voted for the law, that piece of legislation sailed
through both houses of Congress.
The sky is probably not falling (though I understand there are holes
in it), but, for now, one of the greatest
of our protections as free people is in danger.
Cybergeek Al Gore was among the first to comment openly on the
problematic nature of the provision of the 1996 Communications Act
that concerns the internet.  He said, "This law will stand or fall
in the courts."
Since software already exists that allows parents to control what
their kids can access on the 'net, protecting children seems to me
a bogus argument in favor of the bill or of censorship in any
legislated form.
I'm a prude, myself.  If I stumbled onto a hot website where there
were writhing bodies, I'd get out of there.
I have been to one pornographic movie in my life, the 17-million
dollar CALIGULA.  At the time, the movie was supposed to be a big deal.
That much money spent, British actors who'd been knighted, a general
buzz of anticipation.  So I went.
A quarter of the way through the movie, I left.  I made a fuss in the
lobby, demanded my money back, and generally went nuts, complaining of
nausea and a headache.
I left.  What I did NOT do was go back in the theater and tell
everyone else to leave, I did not call the police, I did not burn
down the theater.
I wish that 17 million dollars had gone to cancer research.
But who am I to dictate, except to myself?
I don't write explicit sex scenes in my mystery novels, and I don't
especially like them in other novels.  I don't write gore (the blood
kind, not the VEEP kind).  And I don't especially like gore in
other books.  But some people do write those things and some people
enjoy reading them.
The Founders gave us a great deal of credit, reposing trust in us
when they provided us with the Bill of Rights.  AND THEY DIDN'T
EVEN KNOW US!
I believe we can live up to their trust, on a private and personal
basis.
I certainly don't trust anyone else to run my private and personal
life.
Question, at the risk of offending any Rastafarians on this list:
If Congress passed a law saying that everyone had to be a Rastafarian,
wouldn't you automatically start yelling about Freedom of Religion?
_________________________________________
Submitted by Polly Whitney, currently a practicing Bokononist,
but not averse to seeing what Rastafarianism is all about.  Try
to stop me.