FW: FW: Humor: literature abuse

[Eleanor Jordan <ejordan@SPNET.K12.NJ.US>]

|

|
DINNER OUT
||
|DATE: Monday January 31
|PLACE: Charlie Brown's
|        Plainfield Road Edison
|Time: 4:30PM
|
|    RSVP Regrets Only 908-226-0195 or     ejordan@spnet.k12.nj.us
||
| Thought this email might amuse you.   Hope to see you next
week.
||
||
||LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM
||
||Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has
risen to
||new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and
increased
||college enrollment since the end of the Second World War.
The number of
||literature abusers is currently at record levels.
||
||SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
||Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
||relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds
to occupy, to
||the neglect of friends and family.
||
||In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward
||positions or carrying heavy book bags.  In the worst instances,
they
||become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
||
||Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one
cause of
||moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers
of
||English and creative writing.  Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome,
this
||disease also leaves  its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness,
||daydreaming and emotional instability.
||
||HEREDITY
||It has been established that heredity plays a considerable
role in
||determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
 Most
||abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often
beginning
||at an early age and progressing into adulthood.  Many spouses
of an
||abuser become abusers themselves.
||
||OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
||Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or
heavy
||fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play
games,
||participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
||
||PREVENTION
||Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption
agencies in
||order to break the chain of abuse.  English teachers in particular
||should seek partners active in other fields.  Children should
be
||encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation
and morbid
||introspection.
||
||Self-test for literature abuse
||How many of these apply to you?
||1.  I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself
up.
||2.  I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more
in a day.
||3.  I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
||4.  I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work.
||5.  I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter
without
||being seen.
||6.  Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order
to read
||novels.
||7.  Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
||speak.
||8.  I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is
a book
||nearby.
||9.  At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
||10.  Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I
would
||otherwise avoid.
||11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until
I had
||finished a novel.
||12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
||13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
||14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
||15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
||16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout
of reading.
||17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something
I read.
||
||18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
||19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.
||
||If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions,
you may be a
||literature abuser.  Affirmative responses to five or more indicates
a
||serious problem.
||
||DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
||Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle
belongs
||to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away
to study
||literature in our colleges.  Parents should look for signs
that their
||children are taking the wrong path-don't expect your teenager
to
||approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the
time you
||visit her dorm  room and find the secret stash of the Paris
Review, it
||may already be too late.
||
||What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English
major:
||
||1.  Talk to your child in a loving way.  Show your concern.
 Let her
||know you won't abandon her- but that you aren't spending a
hundred grand
||to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks,
either.
||But remember  that she may not be able to make a decision without
help;
||perhaps she has  just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of
arsenic
||poisoning.
||2.  Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found
this book
||in your purse.  How long has this been going on?'  Ask the
hard
||question- Who is this Count Vronsky?'
||3.  Show her another way.  Move the television set into her
room.
||Praise her brother, the engineer.  Introduce her to frat boys.
||4.  Do what you have to do.  Tear up her library card.  Make
her stop
||signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class,
or minor
||in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
||
||You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or
more of the
||following applies:
||*   She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
||*   She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
||*   Next to her bed is a picture of:  Lord Byron, Virginia
Woolf,
||Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.
||
||----------------------------------------
||
||Most important, remember, you are not alone.  To seek help
for yourself
||or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
||Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone
||directory.
||______________________________________
|


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