LM_NET: Library Media Networking
- Subject: FW: Humor: literature abuse
- From: Eleanor Jordan <ejordan@SPNET.K12.NJ.US>
- Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 16:14:35 -0800
DINNER OUT
|
DATE: Monday January 31
PLACE: Charlie Brown's
Plainfield Road Edison
Time: 4:30PM
RSVP Regrets Only 908-226-0195 or ejordan@spnet.k12.nj.us
|
Thought this email might amuse you. Hope to see you next week.
|
|
|LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM
|
|Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has
risen to
|new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and
increased
|college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The
number of
|literature abusers is currently at record levels.
|
|SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
|Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
|relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to
occupy, to
|the neglect of friends and family.
|
|In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward
|positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances,
they
|become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
|
|Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one
cause of
|moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers
of
|English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome,
this
|disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness,
|daydreaming and emotional instability.
|
|HEREDITY
|It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role
in
|determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most
|abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often
beginning
|at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses
of an
|abuser become abusers themselves.
|
|OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
|Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or
heavy
|fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play
games,
|participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
|
|PREVENTION
|Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies
in
|order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular
|should seek partners active in other fields. Children should
be
|encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation
and morbid
|introspection.
|
|Self-test for literature abuse
|How many of these apply to you?
|1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself
up.
|2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more
in a day.
|3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
|4. I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work.
|5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter
without
|being seen.
|6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order
to read
|novels.
|7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
|speak.
|8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is
a book
|nearby.
|9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
|10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I
would
|otherwise avoid.
|11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until
I had
|finished a novel.
|12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
|13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
|14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
|15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
|16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of
reading.
|17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something
I read.
|
|18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
|19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.
|
|If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you
may be a
|literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates
a
|serious problem.
|
|DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
|Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle
belongs
|to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away
to study
|literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that
their
|children are taking the wrong path-don't expect your teenager
to
|approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the
time you
|visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris
Review, it
|may already be too late.
|
|What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English
major:
|
|1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern.
Let her
|know you won't abandon her- but that you aren't spending a hundred
grand
|to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks,
either.
|But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without
help;
|perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of
arsenic
|poisoning.
|2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found
this book
|in your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask the hard
|question- Who is this Count Vronsky?'
|3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her
room.
|Praise her brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys.
|4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make
her stop
|signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class,
or minor
|in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
|
|You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or
more of the
|following applies:
|* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
|* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
|* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
|Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.
|
|----------------------------------------
|
|Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for
yourself
|or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
|Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone
|directory.
|______________________________________
|Jamie Murphy Boston, Librarian
|jamieb@dcn.davis.ca.us
|A KidsConnect Volunteer
|SCORE Teacher-on-Assignment
|Davis Joint Unified School District:
|Birch Lane Elementary, 1600 Birch Ln.
|& Emerson Junior High School, 2121 Calavaras Ave.
|Davis, CA 95616
|530-757-5395/5413(FAX); 757-5430/5434(FAX)
|Visit the Birch Lane Home Page at http://www.birchlane.davis.ca.us
|________________________________________________________
|Strong school libraries increase student achievement.
| - California School Library Association
|
|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
|All postings to LM_NET are protected under copyright law.
|To quit LM_NET (or set-reset NOMAIL or DIGEST), send email to:
|listserv@listserv.syr.edu In the message write EITHER:
|1) SIGNOFF LM_NET 2) SET LM_NET NOMAIL or 3) SET LM_NET DIGEST
|4) SET LM_NET MAIL * Please allow for confirmation from Listserv.
|For LM_NET Help see: http://ericir.syr.edu/lm_net/
|Archives: http://askeric.org/Virtual/Listserv_Archives/LM_NET.html
|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
|
|
|--- Internet Message Header Follows ---
|Received: from mailer.syr.edu (128.230.18.29)
| by spnet.k12.nj.us (FirstClass Mail Server v5.11)
| transient id 220; 1:28:54 AM -0500
|Received: from mailer (128.230.18.29) by mailer.syr.edu (LSMTP
for Windows
|NT v1.1a) with SMTP id <0.c74e48d0@mailer.syr.edu>; Tue, 16
Nov 1999
|1:27:42 -0500
|Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 22:31:43 -0800
|Reply-To: Jamie Boston <jamieb@dcn.davis.ca.us>
|Sender: School Library Media & Network Communications
| <lm_net@listserv.syr.edu>
|From: Jamie Boston <jamieb@dcn.davis.ca.us>
|Subject: Humor: literature abuse
|To: LM_NET@LISTSERV.SYR.EDU
|
|
Eleanor Jordan,Librarian
John F.Kennedy School
South Plainfield, NJ 07080
ejordan@spnet.k12.nj.us
----------------
Sent from a WebBox - http://www.webbox.com
FREE Web based Email, Files, Bookmarks, Calendar, People and
Great Ways to Share them with Others!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
All postings to LM_NET are protected under copyright law.
To quit LM_NET (or set-reset NOMAIL or DIGEST), send email to:
listserv@listserv.syr.edu In the message write EITHER:
1) SIGNOFF LM_NET 2) SET LM_NET NOMAIL or 3) SET LM_NET DIGEST
4) SET LM_NET MAIL * Please allow for confirmation from Listserv.
For LM_NET Help see: http://ericir.syr.edu/lm_net/
Archives: http://askeric.org/Virtual/Listserv_Archives/LM_NET.html
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
LM_NET
Archive Home