Urban legend! -- Check out snopes.com
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/smithson.htm
Lynn Foltz, Upper School Librarian
Sanford School
Hockessin DE
foltzl@sanfordschool.org
On Wed, 4 Jun 2003 07:50:48 -0500, David Lininger wrote:
>
> I got this from another list. It seems that we librarians aren't the only
> ones who get strange stuff brought to us.
>
>
> >Thought that this might amuse...
> > >
> > > The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in
> > Newport, Rhode Island, named Scott Williams, who digs things out of his
> > backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
> > labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
> > archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
> > >
> > > Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
> > Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in
> > your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
> > >
> > >
> >----------------------------------------------------------------
> > >
> > >
> > > Smithsonian Institute
> > > 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> > > Washington, DC 20078
> > >
> > >
> > > Dear Mr. Williams:
> > >
> > > Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
> > "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
> > >
> > > We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
> > regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
> > conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
> > million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
> > head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has
> > small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
> > >
> > > It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
> > analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us
> > who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
> > contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
> > number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
> > off to its modern origin:
> > >
> > > 1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
> > typically fossilised bone.
> > >
> > > 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
> > centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
> > proto-homonids.
> > >
> > > 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
> > the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating
> > Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
> > >
> > > This latter finding (No. 3) is certainly one of the most intriguing
> > hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but
> > the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
> > > going into too much detail, let us say that:
> > >
> > > A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
> > chewed on.
> > >
> > > B. Clams don't have teeth.
> > >
> > > It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
> > request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
> > heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
> > carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
> > record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
> > prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
> > inaccurate results.
> > >
> > > Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
> > Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
> > your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
> > personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
> >acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
> >because the species
> > > name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
> > be Latin.
> > >
> > > However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
> > specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it
> > is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
> > you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
> > Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
> > of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
> > the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
> > > happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
> > Newport back yard.
> > >
> > > We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
> > proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
> > to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
> > > expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
> > of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile
> > Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive
> > appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
> > >
> > > Yours in Science,
> > >
> > > Harvey Rowe
> > > Chief Curator-Antiquities
>
> David Lininger, kb0zke
> LMS, Hickory County R-1 Schools
> Urbana, MO 65767
> mailto: tss003@mail.connect.more.net
>
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