Several weeks ago I posted a request for information on what to tell or not tell my
grandchildren ages 4&6 about the impending jail sentence for their father. Below
you will find the resources I received with some notes of mine. Many thanks for the
input. It appears dad will be in court this next week and could go directly to jail
or have to report in 30-60 days. He will be looking at 24-30 months and will be in
PA so it is a long way from here. Parents are divorced and mother absolutely does
not want children to see Daddy in jail. After looking over the material, we decided
that the best thing to do was to use the time out metaphor. He told them this
weekend that he was going away to time out for a long time but that they could
write or call him. They seem fine but don't really have a concept of time at all--
what is a long time to a four year old? This should work ok, teachers are aware and
will be updated as to what kids were told and not many people other than family who!
are in
the kids world even know Daddy. Rough times are on the way though I suspect.
Again thanks for all the help. Here's what I got.
Yesterday's Dear Abby shared the following website:
National Institute of Corrections is a printable version of its
Directory of Programs Serving Families of Adult Offenders, at
www.nicic.org/pubs/2002/017081.pdf
I did not visit the site, but it might produce something. The articles
in the column might be of help at some time.
I did see this article and the web address but it is focused on the offenders and
not on the family
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check with a counselor in your school district that you trust. You
might also call your public library folks and ask if they have any
references that would help. Networking is important in this instance.
I wish you and the family well.
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Just a personal opinion, but I can not understand how the mom can avoid
telling them about their dad. How would she explain the father's
absense? What would happen when others talked about it within their hearing?
The challenge, as I see it, is to use it as a teaching experience -
Talking about adults making mistakes. Do you know the book, <Amber was Brave,
Essie was Smart> by Vera Williams? It is a beautiful story of two young girlswhose
Dad is in prison.
Good book but didn’t chose to use it because it seemed a little old and because
there is a part about seeing Daddy dragged off in handcuffs. Thankfully they didn’t
have to see that and I didn’t want to give them any other ideas especially after
the six year old said he was afraid of the police, that they would come and arrest
people.
I found the following suggestions and other information at the
following
site:
http://www.cwla.org/programs/incarcerated/cop_getinvolved.htm#SECE
BOOKS ---
All Kinds of Families, Norma Simon, October 1987, Albert Whitman & Co.,
available through Amazon.com, ages 4-8
Breaking Out, Barthe Declements, August 1993, Demco Media, Amazon.com:
seventh grader must adjust to his father's imprisonment, for older
children
Coping When a Parent Is in Jail, John J. La Valle, June 1995, Rosen
Publishing Group, available through Amazon.com
Let's Talk About When Your Parent Is in Jail, Maureen Wittbold, August
1998,Powerkids Press, Amazon.com
This is a great book and the one that we used to help decide how to handle this. It
talks to young children about how sometimes when they do something bad, they have
to go to time out to think about what they did wrong. Says that whatever is wrong
the parent still loves them and they love the parent.
Queenie Peavy, Robert Burch, Viking Press, Amazon.com
A Visit to the Big House, Oliver Butterworth, Amazon.com
Into the Great Forest: A Story for Children Away from Parents for the
First
Time, Irene Wineman Marcus and Paul Marcus, PhD, 1992, New York:
Magination
Press, 800/374-2721
The Kissing Hand, Audrey Penn, 1993, Child Welfare League of America, a
book
for children temporarily separated from their loved ones, 800/407-6723,
www.cwla.org
Zachary's New Home: A Story for Foster and Adopted Children, Geraldine
M.
Blomquist, MSW, Paul B. Blomquist, 1990, New York: Magination Press,
800/374-2721, www.maginationpress.com, ages 3-8
WORKBOOKS ---
All About Change, Kathy Kagy-Taylor and Donna Dansker, 1991, The Aring
Institute of Beech Acres, 6881 Beechmont Avenue, Cincinnati, OH 45230,
513/231-6630, for children in grades K-4.
Because ... Somebody Loves Me, Child Welfare League of America (1996),
A workbook for children coping with painful transitions, helps them
Express feelings and come to terms with reality in a positive comforting way, to
order, call 800/407-6273, www.cwla.org
Help for Kids! Understanding Your Feelings About Having a Parent in
Prisonor Jail (for Kids Ages 6 and Older), Carole Gesme, MA, CCDP, with
consultation from Michele Kopfmann. To purchase: Carole Gesme, 4036
Kerry Court, Minnetonka, MN 55345, 612/938-9163 (phone), 612/935-2038 (fax).
If You Have a Parent in Jail then this Book is for You, Craig, Kevin,
Josselyn, Alan, Brittney, with Bonnie Ayer and Amy Bigelow, School
counselors at Flynn School, 1996, Burlington, VT, 05401.
Two in Every 100: A Special Workbook for Children with a Parent in
Prison,published by Reconciliation Ministries, Inc., PO Box 90827, Nashville,
TN37209, 615/292-6371
I found one article under the following website:
www3.sympatico.ca/cfcn/telling.pdf
This is an excellent article!
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I remember reading an article a few years ago in one of the educational journals
about an elementary class taking a field trip to their county jail, courthouse,
etc. (We did this when I was a student in middle school many years ago). The trip
was supposed to be tied to the school's curriculum about civics, government, etc.
Anyway, the student encountered his father who was incarcerated at the time in the
jail. The teacher was unaware that the boy's father was in jail. Suddenly, this
changed the entire focus of the field trip for the class.
We have the same problem here due to the large number of meth labs in Oklahoma. It
is rapdily increasing our female as well as our male prison population because many
of these labs are family operations where the women are active participants in the
preparation and sale of meth. Many of our students have one or more parents in
jail because of the problem.
The child and larger community (school) should be made aware of what is happening
because someone will know about what has happened (another adult) who may share
that information with his/her child. Then the child finds out what has happened
from another child on the playground at school, rather than from his/her own family.
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I'm not sure if this will help you but there is a great picture book out called
Visiting Day by Jacqueline Woodson that is about a child (girl, I think) visiting
his/her father in prison. I think it came out in 2002 or 2003. Good luck!
----------------------------------------------------
The other issue that Darlene brings up is a bit more complicated and
depends a lot on the relationship the mother has with the father who
will be incarcerated and the length of the incarceration. From my
experience, contact with incarcerated parents is important to both the
parent and the child. However, I also see the dark side of this where
the incarceration becomes a goal of the child..."I'm going to grow up
and be in prison like my dad, mom, uncle, brother, etc." It's a crazy
world!
With very young children, perhaps something like the taped storybook
idea from the father would work well. The incarcerated parent
appreciates letters, homemade books, cards and photos from the child. I
don't think it's necessary to specifically tell the children the
'crime'committed or even that the dad is in prison until they are old enough to
comprehend consequences on such a large scale.
Visiting Day by Jacqueline Woodson is a story about a little girl
Getting ready to go visit her dad in prison. Amazon.com's review says:
"Only on visiting day is there chicken frying in the kitchen at 6am and
Grandma in her Sunday dress, humming soft and low. As a little girl and
Her grandmother get ready for visiting day, her father, who adores her, is getting
ready, too. The community of families who take the long bus
Ride upstate to visit loved ones share hope and give comfort to each other.
Love knows no boundaries, and here is a story of strong families who
Understand the meaning of unconditional love."
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