HUMOR: No cow left behind

[Johanna Halbeisen <johanna.newsong@RCN.COM>]

As requested:

This bit of Vermont humor comes from a school
  principal.  It appeared in the Burlington Free Press
  on 7/25/03.


  Get in Line for "No Cow Left Behind"

      As a principal facing the task of figuring out all the complexities of
  the No Child Left Behind legislation and its impact on education, I have
  decided that there is a strong belief that testing students is the answer to
  bringing about improvements in student performance.

      Since testing seems to be a cornerstone to improving performance, I
  don't understand why this principle isn't applied to other businesses that
  are not performing up to expectations. I was thinking about the problem of
  falling milk prices and wondering why testing cows wouldn't be effective in
  bringing up prices since testing students is going to bring up test scores.

      The federal government should mandate testing all cows every year
  starting at age 2. Now, I know that it will take time out of the farmers'
  necessary work to do this testing every year and that it may be necessary to
  spend inordinate amounts of money on the testing equipment, but that should
  not detract us from what must be done.

      I'm sure there are plenty of statistics to show what good milk producing
  performance looks like and the characteristics of cows who achieve this
  level of performance. It should, therefore, be easy to figure out the
  characteristics necessary to meet this standard.

      We will begin our testing by finding out which cows now meet the
  standard, which almost meet the standard, which meet the standard with
  honors and which show little evidence of achievement.

      Points will be assigned in each category and it will be necessary to
  achieve a certain average score.  If this score is not achieved, the
Department of Agriculture will send in experts to give advice for
improvement.  If improvements do not occur over a couple of years,
the state will take over your farm or even force you to sell.

      Now, I'm sure farms have a mix of cows in the barn but it is important
  to remember that every cow can meet the standard. There should be no
  exceptions and no excuses. I don't want to hear about the cows that just
  came to the barn from the farm down the road that didn't provide the
proper nutrition or a proper living environment.

      All cows need to meet the standard.

      Another key factor will be the placement of a highly qualified farmer in
  each barn.  I know many of you have been farming for many years but it will
  be necessary for all farmers to become certified . This will mean some more
  paperwork and testing on your knowledge of cows, but in the end this will
  lead to the benefit of all.

       It will also be necessary to allow barn choice for the cows.  If cows
  are not meeting the standard in certain farms, they will be allowed to go to
  the barn of their choice.  Transportation might become an issue but it is
  critical that cows be allowed to leave their low-performing barns.
This will force low-performing farms to meet the standard or else
they will simply go out of
  business.

      Some small farms will probably go out of business as a result of
this new legislation. Simply put, the cost per cow is too high.  As
taxpayers, we cannot be expected to foot the bill to subsidize farms
with dairy compacts.
  Even though no one really knows what the ideal cost is to keep cows content,
  the Legislature will set a cost per cow. Expenditures too far above this
  cost will be penalized. Since everyone knows that there are economies of
  scale, small farms will probably be forced to close and those cows will
  merge into larger farms.

      Some farmers may be upset that I proclaim to know what is best for these
  cows but I certainly consider myself capable of making these
recommendations. I
  grew up next to a farm and I drink milk.  I hope you will consider
this advice in the spirit it is given and I hope you will agree that
the "no cow left behind" legislation may not be best for a small
state like Vermont.

  Kenneth Remsen is principal of Underhill School in
  Jericho, VT

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