[LM_NET] resending HIT: off topic - sending a child to college (part 2 of 3)

[Diane Lungaro <dianelu@YAHOO.COM>]

Make sure your daughter knows how to do her laundry:  what items to
wash
together, what water temp to use for what, etc.  Talk with her about
not
accepting anything to drink unless she opens the can/bottle herself.
Stress that at parties she should never leave a drink unattended and if
she
does, she should throw it away.

I hate to sound alarmist, nor do I want to scare you,
but this happens.

Make sure you review with her the newer, more expanded
definition of rape.

If a guy you know (even if you liked him) forces you
to have sex, it is rape.  If you are asleep, drugged,
drunk, etc. and a boy has sex with you, it is rape.
If you change your mind "at the last minute" it is
still rape if he does not stop.

I wish I'd gone over this with my own daughter.

I saw your posting on LM_net. I currently have two daughters in
college, so I guess that makes me somewhat of an expert on how to send them
off.

First of all, no matter how much shopping you do beforehand, she will
never end up with everything she needs on move-in day. Buy her the
things she uses every day at home -- all the medicines, band aids, laundry
supplies, etc. She will still call you when she is sick, and then you
will realize that you didn't buy any _____. (you can fill in the blank,
and you get the idea). Tylenol, antacid, Imodium, cold/flu medicine,
etc. A gift card to a Walmart (or whatever the local store is) would help
her get the missing necessities.

I have learned that it is very important to NOT just drop them off at
the dorm and leave. Help her move in and get situated (every year), even
if you have to take off a day or two from work. She may be ready to
ditch you at the door, but she really needs your help. After you get into
the room and get her things arranged, you will find that you have
another list of things to shop for. (Both of mine needed a step stool to get
into their elevated beds.)

The on-line lists are fairly thorough. I would recommend two sets of
sheets, her pillow from home,  a  comforter, towels, washcloths, a
laundry basket instead of or in addition to a bag, a roll of quarters for the
laundry, flip flops for the shower, a bathrobe (even if she doesn't
typically use one at home), a bathroom rug if she has her own bathroom, a
desk lamp, a drawer organizer, a wire shelf to elevate the printer, a
computer, extension cords, surge protectors, a rug, a bed rest, pictures
from home, a dry erase board for the dorm room door, postage stamps,
envelopes, etc. EVERYTHING she uses at home. She'll need storage, such as
plastic under-the-bed (which may be elevated) bins, shoe holders,
over-the-door hooks, and various closet accessories to hold purses, etc.

As far as the checking account goes, a debit card is nice too. However,
it makes spending money so much easier. It does, however, give her
quicker access to her funds when she really needs them. Most colleges will
cash a check, though. If she doesn't already know the difference
between "want" and "need," now would be a good time to teacher her that too.
We also discovered the convenience of the ability to transfer funds
from our account to our daughters' accounts on-line. I would recommend
that if it's an option.

Try to avoid the credit cards. She'll get plenty of offers for them, if
she hasn't already. It's amazing how much credit will be extended to
her, in spite of the fact that she probably doesn't have a significant
income. Some kids graduate from college now with a bigger credit card
debt than their tuition was.

Also, if she's not taking a cell phone, she'll need a long distance
calling card (if she's going far away), possibly one you purchase from
Sam's or Walmart. Even if she has a cell phone, she'll possibly need a
phone for her room and an answering machine/voice mail system.

She'll want CD storage and a CD player. And, of course, an alarm clock.
She may want to take DVDs, a TV, a DVD player, etc. ( I always provided
my daughters with a refrigerator and let the roommate provide the TV
because I thought the refrigerator was more of a necessity than the TV
etc.). She should contact her roommate and discuss the possibility of
sharing the responsibility of bringing the larger/more expensive items.
(not that the whole thing isn't expensive!!)

I always bought a can opener, mixing bowls, a few pieces of plastic
dinnerware, some utensils, food that would suffice in the event of a
missed meal, a pitcher to filter the water (Brita), and a small
refrigerator. One daughter bought a smoothie maker that served as a mixer when she
and her friends wanted to make each other birthday cakes. They probably
made frozen margaritas too, but those are supplies you don't have to
furnish!)

The list goes on and on. What she doesn't take with her, she'll be able
to buy once she gets there and discovers the need. You can't foresee
everything she'll need, so put her in charge of rounding up what she
thinks she'll need.  Then, if she discovers she needs it, it will be
because SHE left it off the list. :-) AHHH the beginning of true
independence!


As the parent of a college senior, I'd say that you've put a lot more
effort into planning this move than we did.  My daughter had a checking
account in high school, opened when she was roughly 15 years old.
Other
than that, I let her make the lists and do the packing.  So it sounds
to
me as though you've done more than enough to help her prepare for the
move.

I suppose the most astonishing thing to me was the frequency with which
my
daughter called me after she went to college, but that bill was charged
to
her school account and her phone only cost 5 cents a minute, so it
wasn't
that big a deal.  I was so glad to get away from my mother that I
rarely
contacted her after I went to college, but my daughter *likes* me, so
she
called and emailed often (and still does, even though she's moving into
her last year, her second as a senior).

A few thoughts:
Does she know how to do her laundry?
A list of over the counter remedies that have worked for your family in
the past - Motrin, Tylenol, etc.
Family phone numbers and addresses (grandmom, uncles, etc. )
Discuss withdrawing from classes vs doing poorly and messing up the
GPA.

We sent our oldest daughter to college in fall of 2002.  Our middle
daughter will begin this August, leaving a 13 year old sister at home.  It
is so much different the second time around and here are the lessons I
learned:  They are much more self sufficient than we realize and really
will survive on their own.  There are stores they can go to if they
forget something important--you don't have to take everything on day one.
Take about half of what you end up packing---we were way over prepared.
E mail and IM, not to mention cell phones, makes keeping in touch so
easy.  A debit card worked for my daughter--a checking account was NOT a
positive experience.  Don't try to fix all of their problems!  DO NOT
change their bedroom around drastically, or let a sibling move in
without prior permission from the college bound.  I did a lot of reading
before my daughter went away, and that advice was mentioned in many
different places.  They need to know that when they come home, they !
are still
a part of the family and, while lots of things change, THEIR room is a
stable place.  Encourage them to use the dining plan at their school.
Groceries REALLY add up and put on the pounds also!  This time around,
my middle daughter comes home from her camp counselor job (gone most of
the summer) and has one week to get ready for college.  Had we not been
through this before, we would all be anxious right now, but it's really
not something to stress over and dwell on all summer.  They certainly
pick up on our anxiety, which can cause them to doubt whether they are
ready to leave home. Good luck!

We sent our oldest to college last year.  He uses a debit card rather
than a
check book with his checking account.  He has opened an account at a
bank
near the college.  He also keeps one at our credit union.  When I
wish/need
I just deposit money in the credit union account and he can transfer it
to
his other account if needed.
Brad's in Chicago and we're 4 or more hours away.  I try to find any
excuse
to send a card.  Columbus Day, Halloween, St. Paddy's and even holidays
we
don't observe.  A card and a little cash sure brighten his day.
Office supplies are much less expensive at home.  But he orders ink and
other computer supplies on line.
One of his favorite items is a George Forman Grill.  He uses it to make
grilled cheese sandwiches in his room.
It's tough to adjust to not getting his report cards!  Hey I'm paying
the
bill!!
I sure miss him but we're proud of his having grown into a wonderful
young
man.

You can never fully prepare your daughter (or yourself) for that first
college experience. I developed a College Packing list after putting 4
kids through college (see attached)...it may be out of date as my
youngest graduated in 2003..but it gives you an idea. The list is way over
stocked with ideas...but my kids loved having all the 'stuff' and thus
being the 'go-to' person on their floor - it guaranteed that they'd meet
people;-)

The one shock for my eldest daughter (and my two younger ones later)
was the roommate situation. They all had had their own rooms and were
prepared to share a room...but the 2 eldest got more than they bargained
for...a roomie with an insatiable s e x u a l appetite. They both had to
deal with putting their foot down on keeping the room free of male
overnight visitors. It was a real wake up call for an 18 year old. Neither
of my eldest were prudish but they never had to deal with this type of
situation. So, be aware that your daughter might be calling you with
such a matter. Mine both called during the first week of school!

Also, be prepared for what I term "dump calls" - where you get a call
from a frantic child spilling all sorts of issues out to you on the
phone (like the above mentioned scenario) and you spend days worrying about
it and trying to offer help...and then when you talk again...they've
totally forgotten what it was that they just had to dump on you. It
happens alot - I think it must be a coping mechanism for kids on their own
for the first time...just try not to go into panic mode. By my fourth
kid...I was totally unconcerned. I think she felt that her mom didn't
care...reverse psychology at work.

The other biggie for Freshmen is time management. They are SO used to
having almost every minute filled up in high school, especially if they
have sports/clubs/extracurricular things including a job. At college,
there may only be a couple of classes a day and then all this free
time....when they should be studying etc....but they don't...It's almost
better if they have a job or something to fill their time so that they
have to study hard when there's free time. Most Frosh can't adjust and
their grades usually plummet the first semester at college cuz they fill
up the time partying or socializing...then the tests start and they get
behind and never catch up. Encourage her to get involved in activities
from the beginning...it's the best way to meet people and feel a part
of the campus.

My other advice is to teach her that the professors are there for
her...they don't bite (or usually don't) and they usually want to be of help
- especially at the smaller colleges (where all mine went). Tell her to
approach them and get to know them and she will reap the benefits and
mature much faster. Getting involved at all levels is what college is
all about.

College web sites have great advise for students.  Encourage your
daughter to check it several times.  Be sure not to bring banned items
like candles or cooking devices.
Not a physical thing, but try to instill the fear of debt into her.
Credit is so easy to get and lots of kids get into big problems.

Upperclassmen who are residents assistants or advisors can be a great
help to a freshman.  They know a lot about the support systems on
campus
--academic, social, health, etc.  I'm sure these things were mentioned
at orientation, but tell you daughter to ask these people for help and
go to other places on campus where help is offered.

Finally, you will become friends with the UPS store staff.  She is sure
to forget something.

We are soon sending our second and final daughter off to college and
this
one is going to TX, 13 hrs. away!

Sound like you are on the right track.  What I would recommend if you
haven't already thought of it:

1 make sure you have her screen name on your buddie list so you can IM
and have her in your address book for email
2 make sure she has your screen name on her buddie list
3 make sure she has a cell phone that works well in college area and if
possible that has free long distance
4 plan to mail letters or small packages often, especially at
first...some
colleges have care package available through the food service for
holiday or finals week, etc.
5 having an account with on-line greeting card company allows you to
send frequent cards to her.  many are available w/o an actual paid
account
6. try to go visit on family or parent weekends
7  join parent's association if there is one
8  visit the college website often to learn as much as you can about
programs and policies
9  get her a credit card or debit card even if it is only for
emergencies
10  be excited for her and happy for yourselves that you have raised a
great daughter who is almost self-sufficient!

Warn her about credit card offers and the danger of getting one and
eventually graduating with a huge credit card debt

My oldest son will be going to college in August, so I've been
preparing him for the business of being an adult for the last couple of
years.

He's been working 20-30 hours a week while attending high school (and
he was in AP courses and did well--his SAT scores were also very good,
so he was admitted to the college of his choice without much problem).
By working, he's had the opportunity to learn how to manage his time
and study, as well as juggle those social commitments.  We helped him
open a checking account last summer and he's been using it for the last
year which is helpful for money management skills.  He is responsible
for
his own clothing, gas and repairs for his car, and his entertainment;
we pay for room, board, insurance, and anything dealing with education
(high school--and college tuition).

For other tips for parents of students going to college, check out
Oklahoma State University's great website entitled:  College Prep 101

http://collegeprep.okstate.edu/

The list contains things to do BEFORE college and things to do once you
get there.  There's also a parent list to help you think of things that
you might have missed.

We've used it to plan ahead---but I have to admit, I knew about this
one for a long time (I was an association professor / librarian at OSU,
so I knew that this great resource was available for college freshman!
Now I get to use it "for real!")

Welcome to the club! I've sent 2 kids off to college in the last 4
years, so I remember some things that you ought to review together.

First off, go over your health insurance coverage together & be sure
she has her insurance. card. Identify some doctors near the college who
are on your plan and pharmacy where you can transfer any current
prescriptions for refill. Make a list of phone numbers & addresses for
current doctors, dentist, orthodontist, etc. for her to have.

If she will be taking a car, call your insurance co. and ask about
changing "garaged location" to her college. If the car will stay home,
have them change her to "occasional driver" so she's covered when
driving at home and perhaps when driving another's car. Ask when & how
often she should submit her college grades to get the Good Student
Discount that most companies offer to A/B students.

In one first-year orientation, called "You're Going to Miss Me When
I'm Gone," some counselors offered a list of questions to discuss as a
family before your kiddo heads off. They didn't give answers, just
questions that covered money, sex, drugs/alcohol, travel home, etc.

Like y'all should talk now about expectations for when your daughter
is home - who does her laundry? does she have the same curfew? how
much notice do you want before she brings home a friend? some friends?
"the" guy? When should she come home for the first time (Fall Break in
Oct is earliest, Thanksgiving is better - she's got to get into the
whole college thing, is their thinking)

Here are some others: What are your family's feelings about her
attending/not attending religious services at college? How often do
you expect her to phone home? (for us, twice a month is a fair amount)
What's her cell phone minutes limit each month? Who pays if she goes
over? What about e-mail? (If I don't hear a peep every 3 days, I'm
allowed to call and find out what's up - it's usually the college
network, but sometimes just forgetfulness)

What's her allowance? How will she get it? (I love bank transfers that
I can do on-line and set to automatic) Is she allowed/expected/required
to get a part-time job? What happens if grades start to drop because
of work/social activities/ the guy? How will she let you know how her
classes are going? In first year, sorority yes or no or maybe?

There will always be something that you didn't quite get to, but thank
goodness for e-mail and cellphones!

Hope this helps! If you think of anything else specific or just need a
long-distance hug (I'm currently in Beijing, trying to get financial
things done for my daughter in Texas as she gets ready for her first
year at college in Missouri!), just holler!!

Give her self addressed stamped postcards and envelopes, telephone
cards, Walmart gift cards (good for everything, including chicken fingers
or forgotten supplies), a calendar marked with birthdays, family events,
etc.,
Just a few fun type things like cards, favorite DVDs, bookstore gift
cards, and if she is in a dorm and it is allowed, a small fridge (the
best thing I had in my dorm because it held leftovers, soft drinks
(cheaper than buying from machines) and food my mom would send back when I
came home for the weekend).  Also, start saving change, especially
quarters, for the washers and dryers.

My son is now a junior in college.  The only thing he
and I have discussed since he went that could have
helped was......
REMEMBER THE SPACE IS LIMITED!!!!
He took so much "stuff" that he thought he would need
that he has been bringing things back home ever since.
It's kind of like taking way too much stuff on
vacation, I guess.
Also, giving him a separate card (included in the
membership) for Sam's Club has been helpful for all
sorts of needs. (car battery, printer cartridges,
etc.)
(By the way, I did things basically the same way you
did the summer before he left.  We used our enclosed
back porch and made separate designations for the
types of things needed.)

Take a tool kit with you on move in day. Someone told me that and it
was used by not just us but everyone on her hall! My daughter was
worried
about "us" since she is the youngest and we would  be going home to an
empty house so she gave us When your Kid Goes to College by Carol
Barkin  to help us deal with our feelings. I read it all the way home
and it
did help me. Can you go this summer and get her ID? We also did that
and it saved her standing in long lines on move in day. Good luck!





Diane Lungaro, librarian
dianelu@yahoo.com
Sussex Middle School
Sussex-Wantage Regional Schools District
Sussex, NJ 07461




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