Humor: Feline Rules

[Mary Ludwick <ludwickm@LEWISVILLE.ISD.TENET.EDU>]

My sister shared this with me...I have no source; it one of the chain
messages passed around the internet.

SUBJECT:  FELINE RULES of LIFE
>
>DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand
>on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
>necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
>halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
>important
>during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swing doors
>must be avoided at all costs.
>
>CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
>cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental
>rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so
>that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
>
>BATHROOMS: Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary
>to do anything. Just sit and stare.
>
>HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in close activity and the
>other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
>known as "hampering"
>
>RULES FOR HAMPERING:
>
>A: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.You cannot 
>be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
>and then picked up and comforted.
>
>B: For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book
>unless you lie across the book itself.
>
>C: For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
>appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
>most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap a
>pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore
>it; remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects
>make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you;
>
>D: For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards
>first, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
>from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
>papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
>the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a
>time.
>
>E: When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him, be sure to jump
>on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
>
>WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
>front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in
>their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
>help their coordination skills.
>
>BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move around.
>
>PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
>daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
>several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to
>maintain
>one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play,
>such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of the body as if to
>say, "I meant to do that." It fools humans every time.
>
>CAT GAMES:
>
>A: "Catch Mouse" - Humans would have you believe that those lumps are
>their feet and hands. They're lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to
>be
>the most delicious of all mice in the world, though no cat has ever been
>able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can
stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
>Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse.
>
>B: King of the Hill - This game must be played with at least one other
>cat. The more the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303
>which must be defended at all costs from the other cats. Anything goes. This
>game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the
>unstable playing theater into account.
>
>WARNING: Playing these games to excess will result in expulsion from the
>bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the human grow restless,
>immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you
>some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when
>this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
>
>TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
>it this means it's a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably
>outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where
>it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are
>dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys: Bright
>shiny
>things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other
>cats and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing
>hockey with on an uncarpeted floor. Dangly and string-like things such as
>shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent
>toys.  They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor
>for
>us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug it
>magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse, and should be killed at all
>costs.  Take care! Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
>dignity.
>
>PAPERBAGS: Within paper bags are the Bag Mice. They are small and
>camouflaged to be the same color as the bag. But you can easily hear the
>crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the in bag. Anything up
>to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any
>other cat you may find in a bag hunting for a Bag Mouse is fair game for a
>sneak attack, which will usually result in a great tag match.
>
>SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for
>playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to
>find a
>comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
>especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or
>near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Good places also exist
>outdoors, but you have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent
>on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a
>good compromise.
>
>SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use scratching posts the human
>may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property
>and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
>Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help as they are very
>observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your
>claws on a human is a definite no-no.
>
>HUMANS: Humans have three primary function: To feed us, to play with us
>and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
>maintain one's dignity when around humans so they will not forget who is
>master of the house. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be
>taught if you start early and are consistent.
>
>========================================
>
>Need to add two of my own:
>
>1.  Remember that your human is your "person", you are not their "pet"'
>
>2.  When your human is on the telephone, you must have a conversation
>with your person, as you are more important than that object in her hand.

--
Mary Ludwick, Librarian    Owen Elem.    The Colony, Texas
Lewisville ISD (near Dallas)     ludwick@swbell.net
ludwickm@lewisville.isd.tenet.edu      Grades K-5

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