Humor: Holiday health advice

[Dawn Sardes <Dmsardes@AOL.COM>]

Due to all the wonderful holiday recipes appearing here, I've decided to post my 
holiday exercize and weight control advice.

Q: Does cardiovascular exercise prolong your life?
   A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
      that's it...don't waste them on exercise.
      Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up
      your heart will not make it last longer; that's
      like saying you can extend the live of your car
      by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take
      a nap.
Q: Should I cut back on meat and eat more fruits &
   vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What
       does a cow eat?  Hay & corn.  And what are
       these?  Vegetables!!  So, a steak is nothing
       more that an efficient mechanism for delivering
       vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat
       chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field
       grass (green leafy vegetables)& pork chops can
       give you 100% of your RDA of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
   A: Refer back to  the earlier point about fruits &
      vegetables.  As we all know, science divides
      everything in the world into 3 categories--
      animal, vegetable, and mineral.  We all know that
      beer & wine are not animal, and they are not on
      the periodic table of elements, so that leaves
      only one thing, right?  My advice is to have a
      beer and a burger & enjoy your liquid vegetables.
      Also, think about it--what does a health care
      professional use to steralize--alcohol!  Drinking
      will keep your entire system clean!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body, you have body fat.
       So, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two
       bodies, your ratio is two to one.
Q: What are the advantages of participating in a
   regular exercise program?
   A: Can't think of a single one--sorry.  My
      philosophy is No pain--GOOD!!
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
   A: Nope.  Smoking is a sign of individual expression
      and peace of mind.  If you stop, you'll stess
      yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
   A: You're not listening.  Foods these days are fried
      in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in
      it.  How could more vegetables be bad for you?
Q.Will sit-ups help me trim my middle?
   A: Definitely Not!!  Exercizing a muscle makes it
      larger.  Only do sit-ups if you want a bigger
      stomach
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
   A: Are you crazy?  Cocoa beans...another vegetable!!
      And the emotional and mental health benefits of
      chocolate are well documented.

Dawn Sardes
YA Librarian
Dmsardes@aol.com

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