I got this from another list. It seems that we librarians aren't the only
ones who get strange stuff brought to us.
>Thought that this might amuse...
> >
> > The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in
> Newport, Rhode Island, named Scott Williams, who digs things out of his
> backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
> labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
> archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
> >
> > Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
> Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in
> your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
> >
> >
>----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > Smithsonian Institute
> > 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> > Washington, DC 20078
> >
> >
> > Dear Mr. Williams:
> >
> > Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
> "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
> >
> > We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
> regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
> conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
> million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
> head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has
> small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
> >
> > It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
> analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us
> who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
> contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
> number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
> off to its modern origin:
> >
> > 1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
> typically fossilised bone.
> >
> > 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
> centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
> proto-homonids.
> >
> > 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
> the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating
> Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
> >
> > This latter finding (No. 3) is certainly one of the most intriguing
> hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but
> the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
> > going into too much detail, let us say that:
> >
> > A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
> chewed on.
> >
> > B. Clams don't have teeth.
> >
> > It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
> request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
> heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
> carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
> record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
> prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
> inaccurate results.
> >
> > Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
> Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
> your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
> personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the
>acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
>because the species
> > name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
> be Latin.
> >
> > However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
> specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it
> is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
> you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
> Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
> of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
> the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
> > happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
> Newport back yard.
> >
> > We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
> proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
> to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
> > expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
> of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile
> Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive
> appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
> >
> > Yours in Science,
> >
> > Harvey Rowe
> > Chief Curator-Antiquities
David Lininger, kb0zke
LMS, Hickory County R-1 Schools
Urbana, MO 65767
mailto: tss003@mail.connect.more.net
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